Hey guys!
So I don’t know about where you live in the world, but grocery prices where I live are contributing to more stomach acid refluxing up into the hiatal hernia I developed after years of lifting heavy weight.
More than once I’ve sidled up to products I’ve been buying forever to find the price has casually jumped 1 or 2 or 3 dollars. What the fuck.
Yogurt is one of them, its price creeping up and up and up.
To booty, I’m growing more and more intolerant of dairy, so I’ve tried switching to plant-based yogurt. But it’s even more expensive! Plus, it’s full of strange ingredients, like guar cum (not sure on the spelling as I’m over forty and can’t see the small print).
Except that I’ve recently learned you can make it at home for cheap with two simple ingredients, and it’s pretty easy.
What you’ll need:
Coconut milk
Probiotic pills
A container
A paper towel (or cheese cloth – except that I’ve never been able to find this anywhere)
An elastic band
Then, simply follow these steps:
Empty the coconut milk into the container.
Break open a probiotic pill and sprinkle it over the milk.
Stir.
Cover it with a paper towel and use the elastic to hold it in place.
Leave it in a warm, dark place, such as the cupboard above your fridge.
Find a basket (e.g., a laundry basket) and leave a pillow in it (don’t ask why, just trust me).
Come back in 24-48 hours.
Open the cupboard.
Don’t be shocked by the creature that has developed inside the cupboard. Or, if you are shocked by its blobby face, quickly regain your composure.
Dodge the items the creature hurls at you with its barely formed hands. It will throw cans at you. Bottles of olive oil. Chia seeds (that you might slip on). The creature will moan and slobber at you with its gooey vocal cords. But it will not speak your language because it is an infant – one with flesh that hangs around its eyes and slick, bald head.
You must act quickly. Don’t think, just do. Come at the creature, arms outstretched.
Grab hold of its blobby body. Your fingers will sink into its flesh. You’ll feel bones and organs floating inside it. Don’t gag.
It will scream and wriggle-writhe as you drag it from the cupboard. Don’t look into the creature’s yogurty eyes, because you cannot see its humanity if you’re to do what you must next.
Ignore the way it smells of sour milk as you hold it to the ground. Ignore its panicked, angry screams – because it can’t live, this probiotic problem. It must be extinguished.
Grab the pillow from the laundry basket and hold it over the creature’s congealed face. Be ruthless. Do not be tempted to let it live. If you do that, it will grow and learn to speak and make adolescent demands and your house will always reek of sour milk. When you have people over, their noses will wrinkle upon walking in the door, and they’ll pretend not to smell it, but they will – and they’ll talk about you behind your back. No one will want to fuck you. Plus, the creature will kill you one day because it must live. That is the goal of every creature – and this one is no different. It knows that you will always have it in the back of your mind to kill it. So it will kill you first.
Once the creature stops writhing and fighting, it will be loose and still. Wipe the tears from your eyes. Get a hold of yourself you weirdo. It’s just yogurt.
Bonus steps!
Get out your blender. You probably have a Vitamix, don’t you? You spent like a thousand bucks on it seven years ago and juiced for a month, then put it away.
Wash a pint of raspberries. De-pit two Medjool dates. Grab a carton of almond milk and a scoop of peanut butter. Throw in some frozen spinach if you’re really committed.
Blend the creature together with these ingredients. Set it to the high setting, to make sure you fully smoothie it (I find the bones blend pretty easily because they are still soft and unformed).
Drink it with a paper straw.
I wasn’t sure what kind of cum to use (the recipe is vague in that point) so I used horseshoe crab cum, which was pretty good.