Why I won't state my pronouns
But I welcome others to share theirs if it feels right for them.
You can also listen to this essay here.
In the late 2000s, I worked in a space where gender was bendy: a gay and lesbian bar with nightly drag shows, including drag kings. While at first I was intimidated by the drag queens and their provocative on-stage personalities, I grew to quite like them — particularly in the after hours, when we’d all sit around enjoying a post-work drink. It was then I discovered they were all down-to-earth people, very kind, and even shy and anxious (like me).
I was reflecting on this period in my life recently when I attended a celebration of life for one of the bartenders I worked alongside for over three years, who passed away suddenly and tragically. I caught up with all my old coworkers and some of the drag queens, one of whom has since begun living as a woman.
However, things got awkward when someone I didn’t recognize approached the circle of former coworkers I was standing and chatting with, and said “hello.” Something in the way this person looked at me and acted suggested I should know them — and that they recognized me. An awkward silence fell over the group, until finally recognition clicked in my mind and I realized this person had been “she” when I worked with them, but was now “he” (or “them”), with a beard and masculinized features.
Stupidly, I blurted out, “Oh, I remember you now. You used to where glasses.” This blurting came from my social awkwardness — my uncertainty about what to say next. Everyone in the circle laughed and then more silence fell, until the trans person (I don’t know his new name) quietly exited the circle, and we continued on with our night.
As someone who replays social interactions over and over in my head, naturally this one has stuck with me. I feel it’s important to understand why this moment was awkward, especially considering I wouldn’t even have batted an eyelash in the 2000s while serving drinks to all manner of genders and sexual orientations.
What changed?
The awkward interaction has me thinking back to my time working in the drag bar, and reflecting on the flexibility and ease not just of gender bending, but also pronoun bending. While the drag queens were primarily gay men (though a couple did identify as transgender), it felt completely natural for me to refer to them as either he or she. We would all float between these pronouns — not because anyone asked us to, but because it just emerged naturally in our conversations.
I suppose it’s possible some of the queens didn’t like that flip-flopping of pronouns, but from where I was standing, no one much seemed to even think about it.
In recent years, however, stating pronouns upfront is becoming more and more popular. People are adding them to their email signatures and social media profiles. I’ve been in some meetings where people introduce themselves with their pronouns. I have not yet been compelled to state my pronouns, except in one place, when I submitted a book query to an agent and the field to enter pronouns was not optional.
While the mainstream narrative of this new pronoun ritual is about inclusivity and easing social interactions, I can’t help but reflect on the awkwardness I felt when my former coworker approached me. Was I supposed to ask him his pronouns? Was he supposed to “re-break” the ice with me? Or, should I have just pretended not to notice (because that’s what I’d be doing: pretending)?
Whereas 10 or 15 years ago I simply would have acted naturally, I found myself tied up in knots. I didn’t know how to act or what to say, and so — after my initially awkward mention of him no longer wearing glasses — I zipped my lips and remained silent, to avoid embarrassing myself further.
But I don’t blame him for the awkwardness of this interaction. No, that I blame on the fact that, over the past ten or so years, pronouns and gender have become really touchy subjects. There’s even a law in Canada about using correct pronouns.
But while I would never wish to make anyone uncomfortable, and I welcome anyone to share their pronouns if it feels right for them, I have decided that I’m not going to participate in the pronoun ritual.
Here’s why.
4 reasons why I won’t participate in pronoun sharing
Reason number 1 is that I genuinely couldn’t care less whether someone wants to refer to me as he, she or they. That is entirely up to them, and what makes sense to them. As such, saying that I have pronouns is a lie — and I’m a terribly liar.
Reason number 2 is that I already find social interactions — particularly ritualistic self-introductions — to be extremely awkward. I know that other introverts claim the same — that whole “Let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves” ritual is one of the worst things to endure. While I avoid these ritualistic scenarios as much as possible, because I’d really just prefer to get to know someone one-on-one in an organic way, there are of course situations where it’s unavoidable, in which case I keep my answer short and sweet. The act of instructing others about how to refer to me makes me uncomfortable. You might say, “Well aren’t you instructing people to refer to you as Mike”? Yes, that’s true. But if instead they refer to me as Michael, or Mr. Dineen, or Mikey, or Michel, or Miguel (actually I love that one) or “Sorry, I can’t remember your name,” I don’t really care.
Reason number 3 is that I don’t quite buy the reasoning behind the ritual. When stating what pronouns you need to be called, what you’re really saying is how you expect to be referred to when you’re not in the room. That’s because, in general, I do my best not to refer to someone in the third person when they’re in my presence because it can come across as impolite. Of course there are situations when it does come naturally, like say if a waiter mishears my dinner guest and I jump in to help out by saying, “She meant the chicken a la king, not the chicken supreme.” But I would generally only do this with those I’m close with. Most of the time, I’d use the person’s first name when referring to them while they’re in the room. This leads me to conclude that stating pronouns isn’t a practical act, but rather about stating your gender identity — something I don’t feel the need to do.
Reason number 4 is that I don’t believe it’s wise to place your sense of self in the hands of others. If you require others to affirm who you are by speaking about you in a specific way, life is going to be hard. One should always strive to arrive at a sense of self independently of others. I know who I am regardless of how anyone refers to me. Of course, it’s nice to see yourself reflected in those around you. But I wouldn’t recommend relying on it. As such, I see participating in the ritual of pronoun declarations as participating in a misguided approach to strengthening your sense of self. You don’t need my approval or affirmation. You are already a whole person.
But I encourage others to share their pronouns if that’s right for you
I understand that social interactions are awkward for people, and sometimes we need to say or do things upfront to make it easier for ourselves. In a certain sense, I see pronoun declarations as a way of saying, "Look, I’m nervous, and I just need to get this one thing out of the way so I can be myself.” So I get that, I welcome it and I will endeavour to use the pronouns that feel right for you going forward.
What worries me is if it becomes a requirement or a social pressure, because that will drive people apart vs. bring them together, as I experienced when bumping into my old coworker.
I also confess that I find they/them pronouns awkward. Sorry. I know that the argument is often that “they” has, for a long time, been used as a singular pronoun. Also, I do use “they” singularly when I don’t know what the sex of the person is I’m speaking about, e.g., “They just cut me off!” I’ve even used “they” as a singular in this very article. There’s also a third argument, that language evolves — and it does. But if we really want to embrace “they/them” as a singular pronoun, then my suggestion would be that we evolve the language further to use the singular version of the verb alongside “they” to help avoid confusion. “They are going to the store” just doesn’t make sense if it’s one person. “They is going to the store” does — as awkward and wrong as that reads.
How I will respond if asked to state my pronouns
My first course of action will be to say nothing — even if the evil person, who suggests we go around the table to introduce ourselves, asks us to share pronouns. I’ll simply say my name and leave it at that.
But if I am further pressed to state my pronouns, or asked why I choose not to share them, my answer will be this: “I don’t have a preference.” That is not meant to be combative or insensitive, it is simply the truth as I previously mentioned. I want everyone to call me by whatever feels correct to them, because that’s what feels correct to me.
If you want to refer to me as “she” because it feels right to you, then go for it. It felt right to me working in a drag bar to call some of the men she.
My whole thing is that I don’t want anyone to feel that they can’t say, act or be any part of themselves around me. I don’t want anyone to feel they must hide some part of themselves from me. And one of the ways I try to create that sense of ease in others is by being myself as much as possible, right from the get-go. That’s not always easy, because I’m socially anxious, but I try nonetheless.
Stating my pronouns is not me. It does not feel truthful to who I am.
If it’s you, I welcome it, and I will always endeavour to use yours (though I can’t promise to adhere to they/them because it’s confusing to me — though I will try my hardest).
All I ask is that you never compel me to state mine.
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Totally agree Mike. Ive had a few debates with my NZ family and my kids here about it and to me, there’s nothing more annoying than feeling like you have to call yourself something in particular. We are way to focussed on labels and its not for everyone. Nobody should feel obligated to add or use pronouns to their lives but if it’s important to someone, them/they, he/him or she/her then go right ahead.